Dear Yale Students,
It has recently come to our attention that many of you are dealing with mental health struggles stemming from Yale’s stressfully high workload. On behalf of myself and the Yale administration, we’d like you to know that we hear you and we are here for you, but we also think you are all little bitches. Seriously, “Wittle baby can’t handle a wittle PSET?” Fuck off. This ain’t kindergarten.
In response to your whining, we have decided to defund all mental health resources on campus, to teach you all how to man the fuck up. Sorry, I’ve been advised to not use “gendered language”—in other words, they’ll teach you how to stop all this pussy shit. Additionally, the residential colleges will host brand-new seminars including but not limited to: Bottling Up Feelings for Dummies, Introduction to Taking Out Repressed Emotions on Your Peers, and Mindful Baking 101.
Funds previously allotted toward mental health resources will now be used to cut shopping period. If you’re confused about how that works, trust me, I’m a neuroscientist. Also, all salt used in dining halls will be replaced with crushed Prozac.
Best wishes for the weekend and the week ahead!
Dean of Yale College
“Bad Bitches Float, Dumb Ones Drown”