BP, the oil and gas giant dedicated to “reimagining energy for people and our planet,” just launched its very own mental disorder on Thursday. They call this disorder “eco-anxiety.”

“Eco-anxiety is made by Big Oil, for everyone else,” reports BP spokesperson Lernard Booney, who defined the disorder as “a persistent concern about the future of Earth.” BP workshopped multiple names for the disorder, including climate change distress, ecological angst, and eco-freako stress disorder (EFSD), but after hours of intense discussion, the board of directors decided “eco-anxiety” was their catchiest title. 

So what’s the inspiration behind eco-anxiety? Booney explains that eco-anxiety is “meant to propel humanity to seek out solutions for climate change.” Most will experience the disorder as an “extreme sense of hopelessness, existential dread, and a strong affinity towards the Muppets song, ‘It Ain’t Easy Being Green.’” Unlike most basic mental disorders, eco-anxiety can’t be alleviated with therapy or Prozac. Instead, it requires people to take action now. 

Booney listed several exciting features of eco-anxiety, including carpooling, biking, or even walking to one of BP’s seven thousand gas stations to fill up.  If you feel particularly anxious about the future of the planet’s freshwater sources, try a metal straw when buying coffee at BP’s Wild Bean Cafe and use the tag #eco-anxietyxbp on Instagram. 

While some sufferers of eco-anxiety have felt animosity towards the oil industry and BP itself, Booney insists that this is just an unfortunate side effect: “Eco-anxiety is about hopelessness and personal choices. It’s not about pointing fingers. While we technically did create the disorder, I don’t think it’s fair to hold BP responsible for it.”

Premium users of eco-anxiety will also be able to download BP’s new app for integrated single click donations, and will have access to the sale of a limited number of BP gas fueled hydro-vacuums which can lower sea levels by sucking up ocean water. He added that eventually, eco-anxiety will be rolled out to everyone, but marketing campaigns will initially focus on indigenous communities and socioeconomically disadvantaged areas. 

With this new drop, BP hopes to make a long term impact, or footprint, on the Earth. But that’s not all; according to company officials, “things are just heating up.”

—T. Bhat

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