1. Come up with a really dumb invention. Like really dumb. I’m talking “a onesie with a built-in gun holster” dumb. 
  2. Audition for Shark Tank with this invention. You will be rejected, but you’re not taking no for an answer. This is only the beginning.
  3. Start tweeting relentlessly to the entire cast of Shark Tank. If you get blocked by the main cast, don’t lose faith. Reach out to one of the show’s many celebrity guest stars, who might be able to get you in. (Side note: did you know that Ashton Kutcher was a guest on Shark Tank one time? A true Renaissance man!)
  4. Once you are blocked by everyone who has ever appeared on Shark Tank on every social media platform, including Ashton, build your online presence as the guy who went absolutely bonkers just to get on Shark Tank. Make a five-part storytime on TikTok about the many months you put into this passion project at the expense of your sanity. Start selling merch that says, “Babies should have guns so they can kill Kevin O’Leary” and then have a public breakdown when you don’t sell anything. And of course, for guaranteed Internet fame, be sure to tweet, “Man! All this time trying to get the sharks’ attention really TANKED my mental health!” 
  5. Now that you’ve gone viral several times, don’t let anyone forget your name. Write an op-ed titled, “What My Failed Shark Tank Journey Taught Me About Life, Love, and Loss” so people think there was a deeper meaning to all of it. Or maybe move into a house with fellow content creators who were rejected from reality television shows and make videos together. Regardless, just try to keep the spotlight on yourself, no matter how many people you have to threaten and/or harm. People may not like you, and you may not like yourself, but that was never the goal. Who needs a sense of love and fulfillment, when you can have the world’s attention and a restraining order from Mr. Wonderful?

—K. Walsh

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