At this point in the semester, it’s easy to overthink things. You wonder “Is this where I belong?” “Can I keep this up for four years?” and “Did I choose Yale just for the prestige, even though I would have been happier at a regular school like Northwestern?” In your rush to succeed, you’ve forgotten something crucial: you belong here at Yale. In fact, you may not know it, but Yale would be a whole lot worse without you. Who am I, you ask? I’m just your friendly guardian angel, and I’m here to take you on a journey to teach you how important you are to the Yale community.

Here we are on Old Campus, move-in day 2021. It’s the same as you remember, except your parents are wandering around all by themselves. If you listen closely, you can hear Mom say, “I wish I had a child to drop off today,” and Dad responding, “Yeah, that would be a good use for the mini-fridge and Twin XL sheets that are in our car for no reason.” This is your first glimpse of Yale without you. It doesn’t seem too bad now, but just you wait.

Within a few days everything has gone to shit. Look! There’s your suitemate, walking home with a bag of tenders from LHO in hand. What’s LHO? Oh, they renamed Durfee’s “The Lee Harvey Oswald Sweet Shoppe.” Remember that kid who died on move-in day when your mini-fridge fell on his head? That never happened, and he went on to write a pointed letter to President Salovey about how Oswald was innocent and Yale should work to bring honor back to his name.

And your other suitemates? They’re resting up for the best dance party in town, Moad’s. In this world, Toad’s decided to reverse their schedule, so every night except Wednesday is exclusively open to Yale students. How did this happen? Well, Toad’s had to remove Wednesday from their schedule so students could participate in Yale’s new mandatory book club, a weekly discussion of If I Did It by disgraced former Buffalo Bills running back O.J. Simpson. Without you there to start “The Juice Is Unloose,” Yale’s only club dedicated to keeping O.J. disgraced and promoting temperance, @TheRealOJ32’s effortless charm carried him all the way into the Yale University canon. With Woad’s in shambles, Toad’s retaliated and opened the floodgates.

See? You were Yale’s moral backbone, but now all you can do is watch in horror as students wake up hungover every night of the week, skip their morning lectures, and munch on LHO’s famous puppy tenders while flipping through the writings of America’s most lovable murderer. Now that you’ve seen this bleak hellscape and realized how special you are, it’s time to stop thinking about transferring and take Yale by storm. We need you now more than ever.

—K. Walsh