Once upon a midnight dreary, as my eyes were growing bleary,
My readings long and research looming, I was trying not to snore.
I was working in the Buttery, and my lids were getting fluttery,
My speech was growing stuttery as the words began to bore.
And then came a scratching, scratching as the words began to bore.
Scratching at the basement door.

Lost were Drew, Quentin, and Rose, all gone, gone away to Toads
But my pset was almost due and from broomball I was sore.
Alone I sat with my decision, to my suitemates’ much derision
And I heard a new collision up against the basement door.
I was alone nevermore; there was someone new to be embarrassed for
The stranger crashing against the basement door.

I went to check in on this guy, if nothing else, to just say “Hi,”
Maybe he could help me learn about the Afghan War.
But much to my shock and surprise, the figure there who met my eyes
wasn’t nearly half my size. So much less and so much more
Waiting for me in the hall was the dog I so adore
This crouching creature by the door.

This little fuzzy mystery man went by the name of “Handsome Dan”
He sat there still and watched me from the Buttery floor.
On a bone the beast was chewing, no doubt free from public viewing,
“What was he here doing, in the basement of Davenpor’?”
I wondered when I saw him sitting, out of place like a dinosaur.
This furry mascot on the floor.

As I tried to solve this puzzle, another whimper from his muzzle.
And from his place upon the floor, Dan whispered to me “Fuck you, whore.”
Was he but an apparition, summoned by my drained condition
To make me question my admission? If that is what he is for
I’ll show that judgemental mutt back out the door.
I’m already plenty insecure.

“How dare you speak to me this way, with the tuition that I pay?”
I asked, but Dan scoffed like I was some unwieldy chore.
I had thought that I was witty, but Dan was the one being shitty.
So now I wallow in self-pity, self-pity down into my core.
This condescension was a crime he would have to answer for.
But Dan said only, “Fuck you, whore.”

The following silence was so long, I asked the dog, “Did I do wrong?”
Was it the Chex Mix I stole from a convenience store?
Or when I got with Drew’s friend Lou, the one whom she’s super into,
At that mixer with Sig Nu? And I had done so much more,
I have too many drunken crimes worth repenting for.
And Dan responded “Fuck you, whore.”

This time was the final straw, he could hide behind no man nor law.
There was no doubt about it now, now like never before
I was coming at this bitch, the Buttery manager was no snitch
They’d find his body in a ditch, and there he’d lie forevermore.
I leaped t‘ward him: the most valuable game I could score,
To this he whispered, “Fuck you, whore.”

It could not have ended well, seeing as Dan is jacked as hell.
But up my sleeve was one thing more, a trick he would be falling for,
I started to apologize, but Daniel saw straight through my lies.
He would not empathize, instead he opted for more gore.
So he pummeled me, pummeled me into the floor.
All the while screaming, “Fuck you, whore.”

I must admit it was not shocking, he said nothing else while we were talking.
But to me it was surprising when he brought out his inner carnivore.
‘Twas on my leg that he was munching, I could hear bone fragments crunching
I could see that he was lunching, lunching as if I were a tasty boar.
As I faded into darkness, darkness now forevermore
He ended my life with, “Boola Boola, bitch.”

—A. Jeddy and C. Rose