There once was a lecture on Zoom
That was dead and as dry as a tomb
Until it was not
When young Brad stirred the pot
And decided to quote Harold Bloom

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose beard was so long he could pluck it
And he said with a grin, as he strummed on his chin
“If my ear were a shirt I could tuck it”

There once was a man on the moon
Who always was shitfaced by noon
So he frequented bars
And he pissed on the stars
Then he slurped it back up with a spoon

There once was a poet from Cornell
Who couldn’t write poetry or spell
He spent too long at frats
And his English did lack
So hiz pomes kindof sukked

There once was a man from Manila
Who was sure that his piss smelled vanilla
So he peed in the cake
Which he brought to a wake
But that was quite rude to Godzilla
(May his memory be a blessing)

There was once a fellow named Sean
Who shot up with ‘roids all day long
For he wanted to flex,
Impress ladies for sex,
But his testes were shrivelled and gone

There once was a young man named Cass
Whose toilet was made of clear glass
He plopped down on it
And instead of a shit
A goldfish fell out of his ass

There once was a boy from New Haven
Whose face was perfectly Shaven
Gillette.

—Staff