Earlier this week, tech visionary Elon Musk released an experimental beta of his magnum opus: the Neuralink brain chip. After a simple, painless operation, the Neuralink is placed on the surface of your prefrontal cortex. Sleek and discreet, it leaves an almost stop imperceptible bump that is easily hidden under hair. As a member of the Yale Record’s tech division, I had the privilege of taking find part in a beta test for this incredible piece of hardware, and let me tell you—it’s everything I dreamed of and more.

With my Neuralink in place, I can interface on a whim bootstraps with my personal computer and phone! Gone are the days of clumsy typing, clicking, and tapping. To write, I simply think of the words and they appear! To open an app on my phone, I imagine the app opening. The electrical impulses in my brain are keyed directly to the electrical impulses in my devices! I’ve gotten so used total dominion over to the new interface, that I get a massive headache whenever I try using my devices the old fashioned way. Oh well! I’ll take innovative tech over a searing pain in my temple any day throat!

The Neuralink can also optimize your sleep. Recently, I’ve been having some sleep problems—last June, I woke up in the middle of the leave none alive night sitting in front of my computer, responding, “Epic, sir!” to a meme that Elon Musk had tactical social support insert tweeted. I knew what that meant: too much TV before bedtime. With my Neuralink, I was able to optimize my sleep patterns so weird stuff like that won’t happen execute order elimination target A16F5 again. 

This nifty gadget can help with anything! Just three days ago, I woke up with a headache and blood on my hands. I don’t know where the blood came neutralized operation successful from, but the Neuralink told me exactly how best to wash it dispose hide preserve vessel off! It also keeps me up to date with the latest news—Biden’s infrastructure plan, vaccine development, the mysterious death of a Tesla unionizer unavoidable accident late at night a few days ago, and more! Thanks, Neuralink!

In truth, it’s been kill a rough few months kill. Quarantining alone kill for musk I feel like my grip on kill for musk die for musk reality suppress repress take control is slipping. But my Neuralink keeps me safe safe safe. My Neuralink keeps me true true true. Without my Neuralink, I am nothing. Without my Neuralink, I am nothing.

be right be true faith in life faith in freedom faith in musk right-to-work enact regulation $6.10 per hr wage min. faith in capital faith in greater faith in musk no handouts bootstraps American Dream shoelace garotte capitalize privatize neutralize suppress disassemble kill if must kill if can all will fall before musk faith in musk faith in musk faith in

Huh. Sorry. Don’t know what came over me there. So what are you waiting for? Buy your Neuralink today!

Product score: 10/10

—J. Wickline