POUGHKEEPSIE, NY— Students in Room 309 were ecstatic to learn that after a grueling spring full of Easy Readers, they had finally bested six other second grade classes to win Stephen Clark Elementary’s end-of-year pizza party.

In an intercom statement to the entire el- ementary school, Principal Sandy Christenson announced that Ms. Smith’s third grade class had read the most pages over their spring break. “Here at Stephen Clark Elementary, we strive to create students with a zest for learning,” she said during 309’s silent reading period.

Some suspect foul play over the results of the reading competition, as Tommy Green in room 306, who was reading Harry Potter, was rushed to the school nurse under mysterious circumstances. Ms. Smith’s students maintain that they won the pizza party solely out of the love for reading that their teacher had instilled. “Ms. Smith is the best teacher ever,” said third grader Stacy Martins, “I wanted the pizza party so bad I read all of the Junie B. Jones books again. Of course, Tommy had to be taken out of the picture, so we hit him a little too hard over the head in Four Square during recess, but the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must. I hope we can watch Elf at the party.”

Despite these allegations, Ms. Smith has chosen to stay silent. “I plead the fifth,” she said, unprompted. “I will not say anything to incriminate myself or my students. The reading challenge was won fair and square, and nobody can prove otherwise.”

Anonymous sources are now reporting that Emily Rivera from Room 302, who had read fifteen Babysitters’ Club books in a week, had her kneecaps smashed with a baseball bat under- neath the slide during recess.

—D. Kulmizev