Jaesyn, it’s time for us to have an important conversation. I know you’re excited to go back to school and see all your friends and teachers again, but there is something you need to know. A specter is haunting Wee Oaf Elementary School — the specter of communism. All the powers of old Wee Oaf have entered into a holy alliance to hunt down and exorcise this specter: principal and assistant principal, sex-ed teacher and sex offender history teacher, Ashley Kuhl’s mom and Ashley Kuhl’s way hotter stepmom.
The history of all hitherto existing stuff-that-happens at school is the history of class struggles. You have been taught that this is the necessary way. How would we raise money for victims of disaster in Haiti or collect toys for the Wee Oaf homeless shelter’s Christmas drive were it not for the promise of pizza parties and donut breaks? How can children be taught compassion and generosity if not for the promise of winning things that their peers won’t get? You have wept in defeat as Ms. Whistleblower’s class won the battery drive because Carmicheal’s father works at an illicit chop shop and screamed your vengeance and fury as patted down all your parents’ dinner guests for the cash you needed to stop all racism and win a Tuesday Taco lunch, but hear me, Jaesyn, there is another way.
Let the administrative powers tremble at a Communist revolution. The students have nothing to lose but their chains. They have the world to win, a world in which junk food and slightly longer lunch breaks are not just for those who do things for other people, a world in which all students enjoy the same special events, regardless of their contributions to humanity. Then Wee Oaf will be for the common students, and the sounds of happiness will reach the deepest springs.