America is broken. The time for radical action is now. Either we destroy the venomous systems that dominate our society, or they will destroy us. Today, the fight begins. Today, we will begin amassing the greatest coalition since FDR’s—greater even—a unified mass of people from all walks of life. The time has come to unite the Left, and here is how we’ll do it.
First, we can’t afford to be choosy. Our coalition must be broad. We need Stalinists and Maoists and Buttigiegians. We need workers and bankers and artists, waiters and waitresses and uncles. We need scholars and dreamers and every type of dad—fat dads, thin dads, hot dads, soft dads, and dads who have a secret closet in their house that their new wife is not allowed to enter.
Leave your litmus tests behind, because we need conservatives and reactionaries in our coalition too. How else will we know our enemy? We need shitheels and scumbags to fight dirty for us. We need the Lincoln Project and its battalion of twenty-three year-old interns. We need guys on the street who sell fake medicine to seniors and real medicine to twelve-year-olds. We need kids who hurt animals and animals who hurt kids. We need dads who get mean when they’re drunk and dads who get sleepy when they’re drunk and dads who don’t drink because they made a promise to their daughter after they got wasted and fell in the pool during her thirteenth birthday party and everyone had to go home early.
And we’ll need to make some sacrifices; these allies will come at a cost. The conservatives will want us to forget about health care. The quacks will want empty pill capsules, and the sadistic kids will want a steady supply of squirrels. The cohort of dads will reasonably demand revisions to the country’s divorce code, and these are sacrifices we’ll have to make. Compromise is the vehicle of change—you can’t make an omelette without cracking a few eggs.
But still, we’ll dream bigger, bigger. You want to handle climate change? Sorry bucko, ExxonMobil’s joining the coalition. Want to revolutionize health care? Let Aetna and Blue Cross in. Want Little League reform? Bring on the dads. After all, you gotta give something to get something. Our numbers will grow. Those who oppose us need only state their price. The bigger our tent gets, the more powerful we become. The more we sacrifice, the more we gain.
Soon, very soon, our coalition will span from sea to shining sea, a beautiful testament to the oneness of Man. Every man, woman, and child in America will join us; we will have no need for the “policy” or “reforms” that once kept us apart. The radicals who demand change will be silenced; they seek to divide us. We will pass one piece of legislation, one glorious new law to appease the masses and remind them that change does come, if only incrementally. That law will be the abolition of alimony payments. Distilled to this single shining issue, our merry coalition will finally know peace. The soul of the nation will be restored… unity at last.