Make speeches where you talk about growing up in a working class family. You can never do too much of this. Really wax poetica about how your grandfather was a coal miner/ construction worker/CEO and every month he would bring home one paycheck and that was all your mother’s family had to live on. She told you that story one time, and now you know all about being poor. Ideally, your grandfather had a catchphrase that was nice and broad and generally encapsulates the spirit of America without being overtly racist. If your grandfather was an inconsiderate son-of- a-bitch and didn’t leave you a perfect fortune cookie of campaign wisdom, make sure he is ~taken care of~ and then give a tearful speech where you fondly remember how he would look down at you when you were a child and say, “Always remember, the most important things in life are freedom, hard work, beer, and eagles.”

Talk about how hard you worked to get through college. That Goldman Sachs internship re- ally put you through the ringer and taught you about the value of a dollar because every morning you had to walk into work past a security guard who told you one time that she had only had one car and she had to drive it herself every day to get to work. No American should have to live like that.

Finish off by talking about children. Not yours, of course; it’s a real dream killer to talk about how you’re teaching your son Tommy to manage the finances of the caviar eating club he started at school (trust me on this one, I’ve tried it). Just find a random baby in the crowd, point to it, and tell everybody that you believe that that kid should be able to become the president one day if they work hard enough. The added upside to this is that if they run, they might pretend you were their inspira- tional uncle.

—A. Jeddy