Applying to college is scary! In a world of mothers’ College Confidential posts asking anonymous users about stats and extracurriculars, it can often feel daunting to dust off your pants, wipe down your keyboard, and tremblingly fill out your Common App. But have no fear! As members of Yale’s storied student body, we are here to help. Contrary to popular belief, getting into Yale is a breeze… if you follow all these steps. You’ve probably heard the basics, like starting early and making spreadsheets of deadlines, but here is what worked for us and several of our Exeter friends! 

First off, be yourself! Write about something you’re passionate about, like your yearly cruise to the Bahamas—or better yet, the cruise line your parents own! Show your eye for design and fashion by dedicating two pages of your application to the subtleties of skinny jeans and which brands do it best, and then have it promptly edited by the ghostwriter your parents hired for this whole thing. Pro tip: always listen to your ghost writer. Everybody has one for a reason!

If you want to get into Yale, you have to start planning early. Ensure that your parents went to Yale, and their parents before them. Your commitment to the school will shine in the “family members” section of the Common App! To really outdo the other applicants, try disowning your father, who chose to be in Berkeley when your grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather were all from Davenport. Dedicate a short answer box or two to telling the admissions committee how you will right this grievous wrong by being a true Davenport gnome. As the saying goes… “Dport dport we are here we don’t need no fuckin’ cheer, Dport dport we are here beer beer beer beer beer beer beer!” Not that you drink beer.

Listen, we know this one is a little cliche, but take it from me, the heiress to only a small furniture empire. Is it really such a sacrifice for your family to donate a single building? All it would take is one missed family vacation to the Baltics. With some personal finance skills, you are sure to save enough money for a small library at least. If not, just donate your grandmother’s collection of rare books. The Beinecke could always use a few more Gutenbergs, and it’s not like she reads those dusty things anyway. 

It’s always important to forge connections with exciting mentors to ensure a top-notch letter of recommendation for your admissions officers to read. No one wants to hear about the impact your high school English teacher had on your life’s trajectory. Instead, try to research people who you’re inspired by. In other words, demand your parents get you connected with any of the plethora of D-list actors and actresses who the production studio they own has a contract with (I’m looking at you, Bella “Bestie” Thorne!). It’ll be the most interesting thing your admissions officer has read in weeks. 

Also, a note on athletics. Fake rowing pictures are SO last year. Why not try some real water polo pictures? Nobody does water polo anyways, so it shouldn’t be that difficult to win something. I think it’s like normal polo, except the horse is swimming. Don’t be afraid to take one of Daddy’s racehorses out of the stable for a little photo shoot!

Lastly, don’t let test scores get you down. Repeat after me: I am not defined by a number! If you’re not satisfied with a test, just take it again. Better, use your resources to pay a different kid to take them for you. Easy as that. C’mon, you already use Nate from second period for all of your AP Calculus quiz answers. The SAT is no different.

And if all else fails, just have your parents contact their old chum Jeremiah Quinlan. He’ll know what to do. 

—M. Kuo and A. Mao