WASHINGTON DC—In a recent effort to increase party membership, the Communist Party of the United States of America has announced a bold new plan to give each member of the Proletariat their own himbo boyfriend.
“We’d tried the human rights approach for years but it just wasn’t working,” said Party leader Rossana Cambron when asked about the initiative. “Besides, who doesn’t love a good himbo?”
Since the Party’s announcement, millions of Americans have taken to the streets in protest of the oppressive rule of the current administration. In a shocking turn, President Joe Biden himself has decided to abdicate his office in the face of these demonstrations.
“Listen here, Jack, that whole ‘universal healthcare’ shindig always was overkill in my opinion,” said the former president in a statement. “But sacrifices have gotta be made, and I’ll be darned if those Commies aren’t onto something with all that he-bimbo talk. It’s time for me to step aside, and make room from some eye candy.”
Former President Biden wasn’t alone in his support for the new initiative. On Tuesday, New York mayoral candidate Andrew Yang signalled his support. “I’m all in on Universal Basic Himbo,” said Yang. “Who cares if he has to use his fingers to count?” Later that day, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont tweeted “From each according to his ability, to each their very own government-sponsored chance at finding love. If Karl Marx were alive today, he’d rejoice at seeing his mission complete.”
But not everyone is so pleased with this radical shift in American policy, “It’s just not fair. I stepped up my game and worked for YEARS to finally bag my own himbo boyfriend. Now they’re just giving them out for free? Hell no,” said Candace Owens during an Instagram Live last Thursday.
Conservative commentator Ben Shapiro also took issue with the idea. ““I don’t need some government-issued himbo to take the place of the private idiot I already have,” Shapiro said in the latest episode of his podcast. “Honestly, that’s on you if you can’t secure a hot idiot for yourself. Not my problem.”
Nevertheless, the Communist party will go ahead with the measure as planned, aiming to wrap up by early May, or whenever the himbos figure out how to read the directions to their new homes.