LINCOLN, MONTANA— With the fast growing price tag of a college education, one concerned citizen took matters into his own hands to push for the trades. When a Harvard graduate and former professor realized just how out of hand the whole university system had become, he disavowed academia altogether and moved out to the country. Now, in Lincoln, he lives a quiet life, and has fervently advocated for professional schools through a trade of his own. His craft has sparked some controversy—beloved fans call it art, others don’t go as far—but nobody’s denying his sheer talent. 

So what does this elusive activist do for a living? How does he dissuade people from pursuing a higher education? He makes bombs, and he sends them to colleges. This is the passion project of a local Mr. Ted Kaczynski. But public reception has been lukewarm at best. 

“I’m starting to think that people don’t get it,” said Mr. Kaczynski. “My brother’s a plumber, and my dad’s in air conditioning repair, so this issue really hits home with me. Here I am, trying to make sure more young people don’t sign themselves up for a lifetime of crippling debt from institutions that lie to them to make a quick buck… and some people are trying to spin it where I’m the bad guy. Well, I guess it’s true what they say—you really can’t make everyone happy.” 

One skeptic of Mr. Kaczynski claims that “something just feels wrong about sending innocent people explosives in the mail. This guy claims to be some sort of genius, but has he considered that people might get hurt? Maybe that’s just the way I was raised—study hard, go to college, don’t do terrorism. It’s just not my cup of tea.” 

Outspoken academics have gone as far as to condemn killing people with bombs, to which Mr. Kaczynski said, “That’s typical of these pompous jerks. They’ve grown so out of touch.” 

At press time, Record staffers were preparing to open a package from Lincoln with no return address and a note attached that said, “You guys should’ve tried HVAC.” 

—S. Leone