In a world of greats, it always seems like a race to become the next best scholar. With a load of impressive diaper-wielding prodigies already changing the world, we here at Forbes seek to highlight some of the most high-achieving toddlers to keep your eye on! Here are five of America’s best under five.
Macy Williams Rochambeau Kennedy III. A true culinary genius, young Ms. Kennedy demands her Lunchables to be anointed with white truffle oil. Scoffing at the idea of a basic PB&J, Kennedy III said, “bloo blah blurgle bleh,” passionately arguing for the discontinuation of America’s favorite children’s meal. Kennedy argues that toddlers deserve handcrafted, artisan meals by every family’s personal chef, and we couldn’t agree more. She has created a law firm, Doggy, to sue Lunchables and Gogurt for emotional damages. Her unwavering resolve inspires us daily to seize the world by its bib and to never settle for less. #girlboss!
Chad Bradson. Chad here is a changemaker in the most traditional sense of the word. Instead of crying (like a baby) when the laws of gravity prevent him from building the Megablocks tower of his wildest imagination, he angrily knocks them over and sucker-punches his mom. His actions beg the question: why do we adhere to traditional power dynamics of parent over child? Why should the youth not be taken more seriously? Maybe it’s the two black eyes or the numerous bite wounds talking, but we cannot wait to see where this toddler goes next!
Lucy Fir. It is said that artistic genius can be spotted at a young age, but it takes a keen eye. Lucy was first discovered by a billionaire art collector in the Forest Park Zoo, where she drew geometrically perfect shapes and arcane symbols in the playground sandbox. Her finder immediately recognized her talent, and invited her to his special program “for gifted youngsters” on an isolated nature reserve far from the disturbances of bustling city life. This program is designed for young creators to discover their true voice and kick start their career as actresses, singers, warriors, and arsonists—whatever they dream of doing! Lucy denied claims that the program was a “Satanic cult for toddlers,” saying that she merely enjoys her role of Orb General and is looking forward to the first ritual of the new moon.
S̶̭̼͚̬̱͆͛̔t̵̬͆͒̌h̷̹̹̭̄͑̓͜ǎ̴͚͎̿̇͝ḣ̴̡͚͍̀̈͒͜ͅn̵͍̘͍͇̟̑͂ . They were first discovered at the Stanley Hotel in room 237, where they had sucked the soul out of the maid who was cleaning the room. Following that, there have been over 45 sightings of S̶̭̼͚̬̱͆͛̔t̵̬͆͒̌h̷̹̹̭̄͑̓͜ǎ̴͚͎̿̇͝ḣ̴̡͚͍̀̈͒͜ͅn̵͍̘͍͇̟̑͂ all over the world, and just as many dead maids! We still are not sure of their current location! What a globally conscious child. Their ability to possess others speaks to their innate drive to achieve their goals, which as they put it, are to “conquer this earthly realm and thrust human souls into ungodly sin, to bring forth the four horsemen of the apocalypse until the birth of a new, cleansed world, which I will rule without mirth or mercy.” From the sound of it, it’s clear they’re destined for the Harvard class of 2038! May god protect us all.
Penny Park. She already has her 12×12 times tables memorized! 143 am I right? Haha, just playing. Considering some college freshmen still do not know long division and rely on their TI-Nspires to do basic addition, I think we can all learn from her.
—M. Kuo and A. Mao