10. Inside a Bass Pro Shops fish tank at the mall.
9. In the Barnes and Noble manga section, after his
shift at Bass Pro Shops in the same mall.
8. In line to get his license renewed at the Framingham
7. Out on the lake with his buddies from college
wearing a hat that says, “Women want me, the
Scottish fear me.”
6. At the MoMA, wearing a turtleneck and saying
something poignant about Keith Haring.
5. Under your bed, but only because he wants to tuck
you in and wish you good night.
4. On Cross Campus, handing out pamphlets about
salvation to you and your friends.
3. In a corner booth at the Applebee’s by the highway,
working on a plate of mozzarella sticks.
2. Across the table at the Applebee’s corner booth,
wearing a cardigan, while your mom tells you that
the Loch Ness Monster is your new step-dad.
1. At your wedding, walking you down the aisle with
his slimy, gargantuan sea-monster legs as both of
you approach your betrothed at the altar.
—A. Beer