So I hear we’re telling stories. Well I haven’t read much, but man, have I led an interesting life. I like to think I have some good stories to share, and they’re true AND personal. Seen and done ‘em all myself. It’d be awfully boring if I only told other people stories, no? Hell, I’ve done it all. So buckle up boys, get ready to have your worlds rocked!
Back when I was a teen, I had plenty of adventures. One day I said “fuck it” and set out to see the world with only my Harley, my washboard abs, and my best friend Pat. You would’ve thought I was invincible, with what I got away with. We were wild, me and Pat, in those early years. But only in the way two really close, totally platonic, bros could have wild nights out on the town together.
We were young, hot and full of fighting spirit, so naturally we were gonna get ourselves in a bit of trouble. And boy oh boy, did we. So this chick Helen had cheated on our friend Manny with this pretty boy Paris. Obviously Manny wasn’t about to be cucked and stay quiet, so we had to back our boy when he went to call that asshole out.
Now this is when things got a little dicey. We all hung out at this dive bar called Troy’s, and people got a little divided. You were either with Manny or Paris— nobody was sitting it out. Soon you couldn’t walk into Troy’s without starting something. One night, Manny’s friend Agamemno– I mean Phil– decided to cross me. Now, I’m a self respecting guy, so I couldn’t just sit and take it. Don’t get me wrong, I could have beaten this Phil fella blindfolded and barefoot any night of the week, but instead I stepped out for a minute. If they thought they could handle Paris’ bastard friends on the battlefield without me, I’d let them learn a lesson the hard way.
Obviously that didn’t go too well for them. Now, believe it or not (and you should believe it cause it’s true and also happened to me), Pat put on my totally sick custom leather jacket to inspire the other guys— ya know my presence has that sort of effect on the boys. It worked like a charm for a few minutes but then boom! Paris’ brother Hector knocked him out. Just like that. Right over the billiards table. Not to mention they forced Manny right out of his own bar and sliced up my new shoes. Crazy, right?
But they didn’t get off scot free. We snuck back in under a mechanical bull and beat those other guys senseless later that night. We totally knocked them off their high horse. And this is true, every damn word of it. Good story no? Well as I said, I’m just one of those guys. Interesting things just happen all around me. And if you think this one was epic, wait until you hear about one of our buddies getting home from the bar that night! Now that one’s hard to believe…
— C. Rose