NEW HAVEN, CT—On Saturday, shocked onlookers reported a mysterious man popping and locking in the Grove Street Cemetery late at night. Multiple reports of faint “He-He”’s originating from the cemetery have sparked an investigation. The dancer, identified by groundskeeper Ralph Patterson as late pop-icon Michael Jackson, was also seen changing into an elegant tuxedo before his elaborate performance.

“It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen before,” Patterson told the Record. “He was just standing there, shaking his body, when suddenly a bunch of corpses rose from their graves and started joining him. It was grotesque, horrifying… but my hips couldn’t stop swaying to the beat.”

An amateur video of this event was uploaded to popular video sharing site “YouTube.” Dead celebrities buried in the cemetery—among them Philip Seymour Hoffman,  George H.W. Bush, and Juice Wrld—can be seen slowly emerging from their graves, waving to the onlookers, and seamlessly joining Jackson in his impromptu performance. The video ends when Jackson grabs his crotch and jolts it forward, which causes the other dancers to collapse around him.

Jackson, who has since crawled back into his Grove Street grave, gave a short interview after his performance. “I was just trying to give back to the New Haven community, especially the kids,” he said, “Think of it as a little Shamone and a little Tee-hee as a gift in these trying times.” 

After the interview, he was seen giving autographs to children and rejoicing with the other dancers before waving goodbye to onlookers and returning to his grave.

—J. Kilga

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