In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, there was light, then fire, then videos of fire. And still, after videos of fire, the march of technology continued, and “Fireplace For Your Home” descended onto this world.
Where was I in 2008, you ask? It’s embarrassing to say now, but I was watching a YouTube video of a bonfire. That’s who I was, just a regular guy who liked regular things, like pellet stoves and wood-burning stoves and gas stoves. It was a different time. But let me tell you, when I heard the news about “Fireplace For Your Home,” I nearly choked on my onion and tahini bagel.
I mean, sure, we had all heard the rumors that Netflix had something big in the works, but nobody could have predicted this. A new day had dawned. No longer would I have to stoop to the level of 1080p videos of fireplaces on YouTube, because this new shit was in 4K. That’s literally four times as good as most virtual fires, let alone normal fires. I mean, consider this— most wood fires can only hope to reach about 1000°F. Meanwhile, according to Netflix, “Fireplace for Your Home” burns with the wrath of 3.8 stars.
But all good things must come to an end. Quickly, I burned through all four episodes, and I rewatched. Then again, and again, until I had completely memorized every crinkle, sputter, and roaring blaze. My life revolved around “Fireplace for Your Home.” I never slept, and I forwent bagels in favor of photosynthesis. I called Netflix and told them to remove anything from my stream that wasn’t “Fireplace For Your Home.” I quit my job, they foreclosed on my house, and I lost the kids. Now I’m in the streets of Cincinnati, living in a cardboard box. The nights are cold, and I have to huddle around the trashcan bonfire for warmth. It doesn’t even let me adjust the volume. Such bullshit.