It’s happened to all of us. You’re sitting around a bonfire. The spooky stories have been told. You’ve spotted the Big Dipper fifty times. The poop scoop has been used to bury your poop. What’s left? You look around at your friends and exchange a smile—it’s time to make a human sacrifice. But which of your friends should be the lucky winner of the evening? It’s a tough call for all, but we’ve got your back.

  1. Don’t Neglect Seasoning.When it comes to sacrificing your friends, the gods don’t just care about a nice cut of meat. You gotta consider all the subtle flavors that make your friend group delish! Whose bug spray musk pairs best with rosemary? Whose perfume compliments a cranberry paste? The answer is probably Head of Silliman College and Professor of Psychology Laurie Santos, but it’s always good to double check.
  2. Find the Virgin. Every amateur from Holland to Hoboken knows Virgins are the most fun to sacrifice. But how can you tell in the era of fake news, fake noses, and fake friends? There’s always plan A: ask if they’ve ever touched a boob. But if that fails, you can always see if anyone is, by chance, a Professor of Psychology or Head of Silliman College (Virgin Alert)! Who leaps to their feet? The answer is probably Head of Silliman College and Professor of Psychology Laurie Santos, but it’s always good to make sure. If you’re truly desperate, suggest a game of Never Have I Ever. The peer pressure alone will reveal any maiden, whoever he, she, or the professor may be.
  3. A Casual Game of Duck, Duck, Goose. Okay, so not that we’re picking favorites, but if you got to this point, you fucked up. Laurie Santos is unbelievably good at this game. The last time this happened, we all underestimated her. We were playing with Stephanie Spangler, and when she said “Goose,” Santos pounced. We roasted Spangler under the open sky as the rules entailed. Finally, Laurie Santos leaned in and whispered, “Sacrifice is my secret to the Good Life.” And all this time, I thought it was avocado toast.

—A. Buchholz

SIMILAR ARTICLES