Though young Paul Bunyan had a lumberjack’s spirit, his size was lacking. Scrawny and a mere 4’11’’, he couldn’t swing an axe without the axe swinging him. His parents suggested other jobs—he could be an insurance salesman or a retail marketing manager, but these types of comments made Paul’s blood curdle. One day, as Paul sat at the dinner table, arduously trying to cut through a pad of naturally dairy-free margarine, he decided to go on a quest in pursuit of bulk.  

The young man skimmed along the rivers and across the lakes of North America, hoping to get muscular. In Muskegon, he met with a CrossFit coach but felt demeaned when he was called “little buddy.” In Montreal, he asked around for advice, but all of the responses were in French, a dead language. Finally, brave Paul reached a land called Massachusetts. On a hike through the hills, he chanced upon a group of eight-foot-tall giants and asked them for help. They led him to their leader, a giant in a red hood. Paul explained to the man that his size was not only a barrier for pursuing his dreams, but also an abundant source of insecurity and sadness.  

The hooded figure replied: “Ah, I see. Sounds like you should try Hood® milk.” Paul was confused—he often drank soy “milk,” almond “milk,” and sometimes even Oatly. “That’s not milk,” the man said. “Despite the claims of misinformed anti-dairy advocates, Hood® products are the only way to achieve physical perfection. Whether in a cheesy chicken artichoke pasta or a refreshing pumpkin eggnog, Hood® will give you the protein and micronutrients most often lacking in the American diet.”  

Paul drank the giants’ milky elixir and became big and strong. Soon, he had befriended a sturdy blue ox… and a healthy, calcium rich diet, and the rest is history. Like the flavors in Hood’s® sweet and savory cottage cheeses, Paul Bunyan was known for being big and bold, and also good. Always good. Always Hood®.

—J. Gustaferro