NEW YORK, NY — In their annual announcement of new badges for the year, the Girl Scouts of America have released a collection of badges aimed at fostering leadership in young girls, including STEM exploration, civics, and a special badge for Scouts injured in combat.

Named the Pink Heart, the new badge is awarded to Scouts of all ages and recognizes those Scouts injured or killed in combat, whether hand-to-hand or armed. To be eligible for the badge, Girl Scouts must have been serving under the Girl Scouts of America when engaged in conflict that directly undermined its authority, including but not limited to refusal to buy cookies, confusing Brownies with Cadettes, or disputes with the Boy Scouts of America. Naval and air battles are also grounds for the award.

“We at the Girl Scouts take service and leadership very seriously. The Pink Heart is a badge of the highest honor, allowing Daisy Scouts and Senior Scouts alike to prove their loyalty to our cause,” Girl Scouts President Rebecca Laughlin said in a statement earlier today. “All our awards so far have honored commitment to family and community, but this is the first award we’ve given for courageously mutilating the enemy.”

Many Girl Scouts have already seized the opportunity to receive the patch. Third grader Ashley Bassett received it last week following an altercation with a Vietnam veteran in a Whole Foods parking lot in which shots were fired. “He wouldn’t buy any Thin Mints OR Samoas— it felt like an affront to both me AND the organization as a whole,” Ashley told us from her hospital bed. “Yeah, I lost my teeth, but you should see the other guy.”

At press time, the Girl Scouts were rumored to be preparing to release their newest badge, the Tech Scout Badge for Scouts who made contributions to science. Science, of course, being the American nuclear arsenal.

—D. Kulmizev

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