13 Reasons Why Barron Trump Would Make A Better President Than His Father

1. Barron is ten years old. He has computers. He is so good with these computers, it’s unbelievable.
2. He’s reading at a sixth-grade level!
3. He can descend stairs like a champ.
4. His school curriculum includes provocative ideas like evolution and the Constitution.
5. Caviar-infused moisturizer.
6. His golden locks are harvested for Donald’s toupee, so why not go right to the source?
7. By the end of his term, he’ll have gone through puberty.
8. He can climb under the desk in the Situation Room and punch Steven Bannon in the cloaca.
9. He hasn’t started a fake university.
10. He can write reading responses without using words like “tremendous,” “huge,” and “inner cities.”
11. He can speak Slovenian, so can maintain a strategic US-Slovenian relationship.
12. He was raised under President Obama.
13. Bigger hands.

—S. Gupta