man-batsuit

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BY SAHIL GUPTA
STAFF REPORTER

GOTHAM CITY, NY – With
residents reeling from an atomic
bomb detonated off the city’s coast,
news of the Batman’s death came
as a shock. Eyewitness reports had
indicated that Batman had jumped
from his helicopter to safety be-
fore the bomb went off, but yes-
terday his corpse, cape, cowl, and
two unrelated condoms were found
washed ashore. Autopsy results
confirmed a close-range thermo-
nuclear blast as cause of death, and
also confirmed public speculation
that Batman was indeed suffering
from advanced throat cancer.
As the city confronts the be-
reavement of its greatest hero, one
who could decipher the mumblings
of Bane, one who trumped Liam
Neeson in a fistfight, and one who
confronted his childhood fear of
clowns, this newsmagazine would
like to share some thoughts of the
people of Gotham on the Dark
Knight’s passing.

The Joker: “Such a shame. At
least he died with a smile on my
face.”
Bob Sanders, medical examin-
er: “I’ve never seen so much black
spandex in my life.”
Anne Hathaway: “I have.”
Allie Peterson, college fresh-
man: “You know, he was like a fa-
ther figure. He was my role model.
Once you go black, you never go
back.”
Jay Leno: “Is the Batmobile up
for auction?”
Timmy Finch, 1st grader:
“When I grow up, I want my super-
power to be money too.”
James Gordon, lieutenant: “He
was the hero Gotham deserved,
but not the one it needed. Because
it didn’t need to deserve, that it
by necessity needed deserving his
help. Not that it didn’t deserve
him, but it needed his ability to
give us what we deserve. What I’m
trying to say is, I loved him.”
Jenny Smithers, local business-
woman: “Some people are born
great. Some achieve greatness. And
some get it by scaring you shitless.
So yeah, he’s probably the only
superhero I wouldn’t have a beer
with.”
Chief Higgins, police officer: “I
don’t tolerate vigilante justice.”
Ben Affleck: “About fucking time. ”
As this paper went to press, reports
surfaced that the city’s only indus-
trialist billionaire has gone missing.

Contact SAHIL GUPTA at
join@yalerecord.com

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